The Navigator

Rhonda Britten tweeted out last night about making a list of people you despise, ignore, deny, avoid, poke fun at, put down, etc.  Then she asked how it is that we want them to change.  The last question is a killer.  She asked “how are you like them?”.

Ouch!

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of exercises like this but it still gets me every time.  Depending on how I look at it, I have been blessed with people who drive me nuts occasionally.  I know they are only a mirror for my own behavior.  All those nasty little things I wish no would ever find out about but can’t be denied.   There are lots of little human traits I’d like to eliminate.  Sometimes I get angry.  Sometimes I lash out.  Sometimes I criticize others. ..

Random thought here…there is a giant pink sea creature walking around the Mall of America…I’m completely creeped out.

…anyway…yes, and sometimes I look for opportunities to ignore the truth.  Opportunities as random as the giant pink sea creature.

Another random thought (but, in some ways, not random at all)…There is a baby crying and his mother is just watching him and smiling.  I find myself uncomfortable with this.  I wonder why she doesn’t do something to quiet him, comfort him.  Is it his crying I am uncomfortable with or my own emotions?   Is it healthy that she just lets him cry his eyes out in a crowed mall, knowing that he’ll feel better when it’s over, regardless of how it makes others feel?

Anyway, back to the truth that I prefer to ignore sometimes.  The truth is that I’m angry with myself sometimes.  The truth is that I don’t criticize anyone else more than I criticize myself.  I am so hard on myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  Nobody ever tells me that I’m not good enough.  Nobody ever tells me that I don’t do enough.  Nobody ever tells me that I can’t do whatever I want – except me.  I have my very own mean girl, compliments of my own self doubt and struggles.  Lucky me.

Sometimes it seems so overwhelming to think about all the conditioning I’d like to remove from my life and sometimes I think it’s not worth the bother because as soon as one thing is gone, something else will crop up in it’s place.  It’s a never ending cycle, right?  Or is it?  Perhaps there does come a day when we wake up and realize that everything we’ve done so far, people notice…we notice…we feel…we grasp the difference…deep inside of us.

If I look hard, I have noticed a lot less drama in my life.  My biggest drama is wanting a place in the house that’s just mine, all mine.  I used to have all kinds of people in my life with lives full of drama.  So much that it made my head hurt.  Now, I don’t.  Isn’t that a big indicator that my life has changed?  That my work is paying off?  After all, the people around us are only a reflection of our true selves.  Our inner reality.  If I could have chosen one thing to eliminate it would definitely be drama so I guess I am on the right track.

There will always be something to work on, something we can improve.  And we can’t overlook the progress we make with every little step we take.  Today I’m going acknowledge my growth and I’m going to pick something I really want to work on and make it a priority as I move into 2010.  Funny, I typed 2020 first -perhaps I am a little resistant to what I might find, something I’ve preferred not to look at?! LOL.  It’ll all be ok, right?  Everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be.  All is right in my world.

Until next time…