The Navigator

Archive for December, 2009

Rhonda Britten tweeted out last night about making a list of people you despise, ignore, deny, avoid, poke fun at, put down, etc.  Then she asked how it is that we want them to change.  The last question is a killer.  She asked “how are you like them?”.

Ouch!

This isn’t the first time I’ve heard of exercises like this but it still gets me every time.  Depending on how I look at it, I have been blessed with people who drive me nuts occasionally.  I know they are only a mirror for my own behavior.  All those nasty little things I wish no would ever find out about but can’t be denied.   There are lots of little human traits I’d like to eliminate.  Sometimes I get angry.  Sometimes I lash out.  Sometimes I criticize others. ..

Random thought here…there is a giant pink sea creature walking around the Mall of America…I’m completely creeped out.

…anyway…yes, and sometimes I look for opportunities to ignore the truth.  Opportunities as random as the giant pink sea creature.

Another random thought (but, in some ways, not random at all)…There is a baby crying and his mother is just watching him and smiling.  I find myself uncomfortable with this.  I wonder why she doesn’t do something to quiet him, comfort him.  Is it his crying I am uncomfortable with or my own emotions?   Is it healthy that she just lets him cry his eyes out in a crowed mall, knowing that he’ll feel better when it’s over, regardless of how it makes others feel?

Anyway, back to the truth that I prefer to ignore sometimes.  The truth is that I’m angry with myself sometimes.  The truth is that I don’t criticize anyone else more than I criticize myself.  I am so hard on myself.  I am my own worst enemy.  Nobody ever tells me that I’m not good enough.  Nobody ever tells me that I don’t do enough.  Nobody ever tells me that I can’t do whatever I want – except me.  I have my very own mean girl, compliments of my own self doubt and struggles.  Lucky me.

Sometimes it seems so overwhelming to think about all the conditioning I’d like to remove from my life and sometimes I think it’s not worth the bother because as soon as one thing is gone, something else will crop up in it’s place.  It’s a never ending cycle, right?  Or is it?  Perhaps there does come a day when we wake up and realize that everything we’ve done so far, people notice…we notice…we feel…we grasp the difference…deep inside of us.

If I look hard, I have noticed a lot less drama in my life.  My biggest drama is wanting a place in the house that’s just mine, all mine.  I used to have all kinds of people in my life with lives full of drama.  So much that it made my head hurt.  Now, I don’t.  Isn’t that a big indicator that my life has changed?  That my work is paying off?  After all, the people around us are only a reflection of our true selves.  Our inner reality.  If I could have chosen one thing to eliminate it would definitely be drama so I guess I am on the right track.

There will always be something to work on, something we can improve.  And we can’t overlook the progress we make with every little step we take.  Today I’m going acknowledge my growth and I’m going to pick something I really want to work on and make it a priority as I move into 2010.  Funny, I typed 2020 first -perhaps I am a little resistant to what I might find, something I’ve preferred not to look at?! LOL.  It’ll all be ok, right?  Everything is exactly as it’s supposed to be.  All is right in my world.

Until next time…

I joined Facebook as a way to connect with people, real people.  I wanted to build and strengthen relationships, like most.  I love the real time information that comes my way each time I log on.  I love getting to see what movies people are watching, who they spent the day with, what the weather is like in different parts of the world.  I had a mission and couldn’t be taken off track until a warm day in the fall of 2009.  The day my children began talking about Restaurant City and other similar games and how much fun they were having (or something like that).

I remember thinking things like “what a waste of time”, “I’m so glad I don’t spend my time like that”, and “I’ve got better things to do”.  I was so proud of myself for staying strong, even when I saw all the posts on my wall.  People looking for new loot in Mafia Wars, people cooking new recipes in Restaurant City, people moving up levels in Petville and people needing friends in Happy Aquarium.   Then it happened…

I broke down.  I just want to check it out, I told myself.  I just want to see what all the hype is about.  It’s no big deal.  One look or two, I can walk away.  I’m strong and I’m really busy so I know I it won’t be a problem.  It started innocently enough.  I built a little restaurant in Restaurant City, my first drug of choice.  I decorated it, came up with a creative name and it felt so personal.  I was like a proud mom.  It was mine, all mine.  All I had to do now was come up with better food so people would want to eat at my restaurant.

I watched it grow and grow.  Soon I could plant a garden and nurture that.  I could buy and trade the food items I needed and I could decorate and redecorate any way I wanted.  After all, I was a successful restaurant owner – one of the most successful in my neighborhood.  After a while, my interest dwindled.  There weren’t as many recipes I wanted to develop and the people who came, they just left messes for me to clean up and I was tired.  My employees, if left unsupervised for long would stop working and take naps on the floor.  The bathroom was never clean enough.  It’s hard work running a restaurant, you know.

So I moved on and gave some other games a chance.  I didn’t want any of them to feel left out and I had all these gifts from my friends.  It felt so rude to not accept the gifts, so I just had to do it.  I tried Petville.  Dressed my pet up nice and cute.  Didn’t like having to visit other places, it was kind of a pain.  I tried some aquarium game but couldn’t keep my tank clean.  I tried some other pet game but my pet went to the pound when didn’t check on them enough because they were hungry.  I tried YoVille and didn’t get it.  I tried Farmville and my crops kept dying.  Then I found Cafe World.  Ahhh, another restaurant game.   My workers did what they were there to do.  They never let me down.  The recipes were easier to keep track of.  I was in heaven.  I fought long and hard to have the best restaurant in the neighborhood and then once I had that status, I fought to keep it.  Then I wondered why.

Then I found Country Life.  Such cute animals and for some reason the crops were easier to maintain.  I could even make it rain and watch my crops mature faster.  I was, once again, in heaven. Or was it hell?

You see, like many others, my addictions to these games runs deep.  Why?  I’m not sure.  It might be the mindlessness of it all.  An opportunity to escape?  Perhaps.  The bottom line, I got sucked in like everyone else does. It’d be easy to blame Facebook and on the companies and individuals who create apps for them (I am in awe over their creativity and drive).  It’d be easy to blame those who sent me gifts I just couldn’t resist but I know in the end it was me, just me.   But today, I’m taking back control of my life.  From here on out, I vow to stick to the occasional game I can play for little while and conquer – rather than the never ending, mindless clicking of the games on Facebook that goes on forever and ever.  I realize that my life is so much better without these games and, to play occasionally is not a big deal.  To begin to set my schedule based on when my food will be ready to serve, not ok.  Funny, but not ok.

So if I’ve shared a neighborhood with you, you will be missed but hopefully we can connect in other ways – the ways I wanted in the first place.  If you send me a gift, please don’t take it personally when I don’t accept it.  Today, my life is mine once again.  I’ve got great things to do and it’s time to get busy once again.

Happy holidays to all!  If you want to join my club, feel free.  Perhaps we can start a new neighborhood somewhere…

I can’t believe how fast time flies.  I’ve got too much going on I think but thought I would take a minute to catch up.

I’m in the process of moving my website to a new program and hosting site.  I am really excited about the new options available on this new system and can’t wait to share it with everyone.  It has things like alternating content, the weather, quotes, a calendar, newsletter and you can import your wordpress blog right into your site.  I haven’t decided if I’m going to do that last one since I’ve had this on it’s own for quite a while but we’ll see.  Right now I just need to worry about getting all the content over.

I’m also switching my newsletter manager away from Constant Contact.  I have no complaints about Constant Contact – it’s a great program and their customer service is also great.  I have just found another one that has more options and is easily integrated with an event management system, a survey program and social media.  This will make it so much easier to get things done and they’ll take less time!

I’ve finished my second quarter of school which was a lot tougher than the first – many of you have heard me comment on that!  This is definitely an example of “be careful what you wish for”.  I thought the first quarter was too easy and was worried it would feel like that the whole program and I wouldn’t feel like I’d “earned” my degree.  I know that doesn’t make any sense.  It’s a belief I’ve been working on for a long time that I just haven’t seemed to clear completely yet.  It’s that nasty belief of “I have to work hard to get anywhere”.  Do you have this one?  (Thanks Mom and Dad)  Now, I’m just moving along like Goldilocks, looking for the “just right” option.

As many of you also know, my oldest daughter moved out a couple of months ago.  We’ve done a lot of painting upstairs and down and began to make the entire house our own.  It’s been fun getting to do some redecorating.  My favorites are the new paint in the stairway going downstairs and the hall at the foot of the stairs because it makes it so much brighter in an area that is kind of dark AND the paint in the upstairs bathroom – also much brighter and cheerier.  It’s the simple things, isn’t it?

My youngest, Kayla, off with a friend shopping today is starting drivers ed in a week.  I can’t believe she’ll be driving soon.  She keeps asking about driving my car…I am such a nervous passenger as it is…I don’t care what car she drives but I can’t be in the vehicle.  I know that much.  I would not be helpful in her learning process.  I don’t think I rode in the car with my older daughter for years after she got her license.  Thank God for husbands and siblings.

We had a great Christmas.  New tradition of fonduing was great.  We had way too much food but it was all so good.  One of the favorites was the shrimp cooked in the broth.  It had this incredible flavor.  I’ve made notes for next year and bought a few things yesterday so we could do it on a smaller scale more often.  The oil and the broth both heat up so fast and it’s a fun way to cook and eat.

Lastly for today, my desk is in my new home office, ready to go.  I have a lot of bins to go through to get things organized and a couple of things to get out of storage to make it complete but it feels good, I love the paint color and I’m excited to start working in there finally.  I know that having a nice work space will be a big help in staying organized and getting some thing complete like the 2 eBooks I’ve had almost done for most of the year (LOL) among other things.

I am really looking forward to 2010 and all it has to offer each of us.  Enjoy what’s left of the 2009!

To most I hide it well.  People don’t know that I don’t really like to be seen.  Often, I’m not even aware of my choices myself and how they keep me hidden away from view.  Safe and content, not in a position to be hurt by others.  When I have done well in various areas of my life, I have lost relationships because they didn’t like it.  I know for some that might be hard to imagine but I guess I haven’t always made the best choices in friends.  And really, can we call those kind of relationships “friendships”?  I don’t think so.  Consciously, I’m aware of this and consciously, I still hear those nasty words from my upbringing about not doing things well enough, not working hard enough, not being good enough which reinforce what I have experienced from so-called friends. 

In some ways it seems odd to me that someone would leave me, abandon me, because I’m doing well or get a great opportunity in my life but jealousy is a powerful thing.  Unhappiness is a powerful thing.  I’ve made choices myself from these places that I would not have otherwise made.  So I guess what I’m trying to say is that I understand.  Understand, yes, but it doesn’t make it easier to have people leave.  It has unfortunately created the belief “If I’m too successful, I will be alone.  Everyone will leave me.  They always do.”  Not a belief I choose to continue to have.

So here I am today.  I’ve done healing work around this belief and now it’s time to bring in the “act as if” as I call it.  This is the piece that I often think is missing in the healing journey for people.  We heal some aspect of our being but continue to live as if we are still a victim, still carry a belief, still don’t feel worthy.  What would happen if we acted as if we were no longer a victim, no longer carried that negative belief, felt worthy beyond imagination?   What would be possible??  Or perhaps an easier question…what wouldn’t be possible?  The answer?  Nothing.   Everything would be possible!

So back to today, the first of many risks I hope.  The first of many acting as if it safe to be seen, acting as if it’s ok to take advantage of opportunities that come into my life, acting as if everyone who cares about me will be happy for me.  Today, I had the opportunity to be a part of the production of an upcoming commercial due to air in January for Minnesota School of Business and Globe University and I jumped on the chance.  I spent the morning down in their production studio behind big, hot lights talking about the things I really enjoy about school.  It was so much fun!  I was hardly aware of all the lights and cameras as I shared from my heart what I love most.  Deep in the back of my mind, I knew I was doing something that would become a part of something bigger soon.  A commercial to air on TV beyond the boundaries of my home, of Elk River, of even Minnesota.  How’s that for choosing to be seen today?!

We are all supposed to get a copy when the piece is edited and I will definitely share with everyone.  I’m done hiding.  I’m ready to live as if I love to be seen, love to be in the limelight and I’m not worried about what relationship will come to an end because of it.  Wish me luck…and join me if you like.  How would you live today if you are living as if you are not a victim, your life is not filled with drama, you are worthy, you do enough because you are enough or whatever other poison thought have slowly crept into your psyche over the years?  What thought or belief are you willing to give up so you can live your best life possible starting now?

There comes a point in your life when you realize:   

Who matters,
Who never did,
Who won’t anymore…
And who always will.
So, don’t worry about people from your past,
There’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.

(Thank you, Joan, for sending this to me at a time I really needed it.) 

This past year has brought many new people into my life and a few have left as well.  I find myself contemplating all the relationship, old and new, and what they mean to me.  Friends are important to me.  Long term relationships are important.  People who want to the best for me are important.  People who know all my little quirks and triggers and like me anyway are important.   I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have in my life – thank you all for being there…for supporting me…for seeing me for who I really am, all of who I am, and still sticking around:).

People do leave for a reason and whatever that reason is doesn’t really matter.  They just aren’t supposed to be there anymore.  We don’t have to take it personally.

I just shared in my newsletter how inspired I am by Ellen and her philosophy of “have a little fun today…give a little love away”.  Who inspires you and why?